The Art of Letter Writing

So Doc read this article about how important letters were to Victorian England, and now she's writing me like we're stuck a couple centuries ago. Here's where we're at so far.

My original letter:

JV -
My lab starts 9/11 (Tuesday). Do you want me to go back to early Thursdays or what?
Thank you kindly,
MC

Doc wrote back pretending to be Johnathan (the office manager). She even stuck a little stamp in the corner.

My dearest Michael,

Your recent request is under immediate consideration. With all due respect we diligently ponder all possibilities as quickly as possible as we always try to do.

May I suggest a colored note paper or an imprint with your initials on your next request.

We of course will work in your favor to honor your needs.

As always,
JV

I wrote back on green paper and I stole her stamp:

My dearest Johnathan,

I trust that you will forgive my untimely and abrupt request. I carry no doubts, dear Sir, that the matter will be dealt with in accordance to the ver values which we, in business and in life, hold most dear. I speak, of course, of diligence, temperament, and pragnacity.

However, I digress. I hereby respectfully request to be relieved of all given clerical duties every Tuesda until the hour of 4 and 30 minutes. I remain happy to oblige with any means of accomplishment of this task, including unforseen alterations that you may see fit.

I trust that this reply has successfully addressed any and all questions that you may have retained from my previous reply, and I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience which may greet you as a result of my request.

I remain, as always,
Michael Crittenden

She strikes again:

Dearest Michael,

Consider to be forgiven for the unquestionably presumptious request.

However, I find it quite difficult to excuse our inappropriate usage of our language (i.e., pragnacity). In the future I am sure you will ponder your epistomology composition. I trust I have not spoken too plainly as I certainly hope to retain your friendship.

Please abstain from sticker borrowing on your next reply as it lends to a questionable character on your part.

As I am, of course, reluctant to make complaints I do so for your own good and can always be available for further advice.

I remain dear Sir,
JV

I just don't know how to top that one. I guess this is the madness that goes on once school starts and we stop getting business.